24 year old Lakewood Bachur Yaakov Katzberger, has created ‘The Perfect Esrog Mold,’ an invention that is quickly putting many Daled Minim Mochrim out of business. ‘The Perfect Esrog Mold‘ is comprised of a hardened mold of a perfect Esrog (Pitom included), that can slip over any kind of Esrog, eliminating the need to purchase a pricy Esrog, or as Yaakov reports, any Esrog at all. “Most of my customers just stick whatever is lying in their fridge inside the Esrog mold,” says Yaakov, “Sometimes it’s an old lemon or a ripe avocado but others are more Machmir and put in something more connected to Sukkos, such as stuffed cabbage. It’s not my place to suggest what goes inside the mold, I’m just happy I can help ease the burden of those that are financially struggling.”
‘The Perfect Esrog Mold’ is also solving a major Halachic issue that has become more prevalent in recent years. It is very common, that after one has spent a considerable amount of time carefully selecting an Esrog, that he will suddenly realize his Esrog possesses a very serious P’sul when he examines it in Shul. Namely, it is only the 2nd nicest Esrog in Shul.
‘The Perfect Esrog Mold’ however, provides an extremely easy and practical solution. “I carry different colors and sizes of the mold,” explains Yaakov, “If a customer buys a few different molds, even if some guy walks into Shul with a larger or nicer Esrog than him, he can merely slip a larger or nicer mold onto his Esrog and instantly transform it back into the nicest Esrog in Shul. There is also an alternative option, which is to buy the Esrog mold with a tiny button installed in the Pitom. As soon as the Esrog mold owner notices an Esrog nicer than his own, he can press the Pitom in the direction of that Esrog and millions of spots will instantly be projected onto the ‘nicer’ Esrog. Fulfilling the Mitzvah of Esrog was never this easy.”
We are happy to inform you, that an Annual Kollel Campaign coordinator let us in on the exhilarating news, that the Tent Event will be back this year. The reasons that the event was cancelled for the past few years were finally revealed and are listed below, with a list of solutions;
-In past years, the tent only had enough room for past, current and future (beginning from the 4rth grade) students of BMG. But, Yeshivas Mexican workers and their close (extended) relatives who are no less part of the BMG family, were left out of the fun. Fortunately, this year, Yeshiva was able to rent out Citi Field, and a good part of Mexico is preparing to arrive in Lakewood for this special night.
-Many of the participants have complained that they have not been able to have more than five helpings of food, due to having the bad fortune of getting stuck listening to the long speeches. Therefore, the Yeshiva has decided to broadcast the speeches via live hookup, which would allow anyone to leave whenever they wanted, without causing any disgrace to the speakers.
-The wide variety of food has made some people very intimidated and overwhelmed resulting in poor food selections. To accommodate these people, the core menu for the event will be revealed to the public for the first time (this May), and anyone can request dietary needs and extra courses, by going online to partnersintounge.com or by joining the twitter thread, #still hungry. Keep in mind, only serious requests will be taken into consideration.
The guests that attended the wedding of an English woman by the name of Dorothy Ford, witnessed a most interesting ceremony. While the bride proclaimed her wedding vows, the groom lay motionless in a horizontal position in front of her. At first, the guests thought the groom was deathly afraid of marriage and had passed out but minutes later the bride calmed everyone down telling them “not to worry, because he’s not deathly afraid, just plain dead.”
Apparently, Dorothy and her peaceful groom William Streat were engaged the year before and sadly William died in a car crash a mere few weeks before their wedding. Williams’s friends began having dreams of William telling them he couldn’t rest until he married Dorothy. Naturally, when his fiancé heard the dream she agreed to marry him and the half lively couple were happily wed.
A week later William appeared to his friends in a disturbed state. Although originally he thought that he had wanted to get married, actual married life was not agreeing with him. Therefore he told them, there was only one practical solution to this issue; To divorce Dorothy.
In our current, turbulent times, people have been unsatisfied with simply being themselves. Some people have shown interesting urges to be other people, animals and most recently delicious burritos.
To full fill this lifelong dream of these burrito wannabes, a giant tortilla blanket was recently designed. This five-foot wide blanket is great if you want to hide, play pretend or want to lose all your friends. To really get into the experience of becoming part of the Mexican cuisine adjust your blanket and thermostat accordingly. Wrap it firmly around your mouth, both nostrils and set the temperature to 85 degrees. If you prefer to be a lightly roasted burrito, simply turn on the oven.
A disclaimer was sent out to all the purchasers to make sure they are not eaten when wearing their burrito blanket at any Mexican restaurant, Mexican themed birthday party or on Cinco de Mayo.
Aisle 9 has revealed its plans, to not only be building a larger store but enough space to be rented out for joyous occasions, namely chasunas. Reservations are already being booked to have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Included in the package is the option of having an outdoor wedding, with the heart-stopping roar of Route 9 traffic and the 1,000 piece band (mostly consisting of horns) in the background. Pictures will be taken against the back-drop of either gas pump #1, #2, #3 or #4 (For just an extra few grand, the photographer will throw in some poses of the couple holding a gas pump and filling up an actual car.) The smoke from the exhaust pipe will give the wedding photographs a rustic and archaic feel (and scent). For obvious reasons, the custom of parents walking their children down the aisle holding something fiery, will have to be put aside. Thursday will probably be the most popular night, as there is the additional Mad Dash for Cholent entertainment.
As promos are becoming more and more common among camps, a conflict has broken out between Camp Chavereinu and Camp Achduseinu. Each one has insisted on being the creator of the windshield wiper promotion. This promo consists of sticking long, protruding fuzzy-like material onto the windshield wiper which would emit a loud, high-pitched squeak as it comes in contact with nearby cars. This would ensure the most attention from fellow drivers, as loud squeaking noises on the road (high-pitched or not) have always drawn a good amount of attention. A compromise was made and each camp will have rights to one windshield wiper. However, Camp Chavereinu and Camp Achduseinu will continue their battle over cars with three wipers.
This week there has been a major breakthrough regarding the housing crisis in Lakewood, NJ. A few days ago, an excess of space was reported in the alleyway between French cleaners and Gelbstein’s bakery. Each car was able to exit the alleyway in only seven maneuvers, with very minimal beeping and screaming, a clear sign of extra space.
Almost immediately, a blueprint was drawn up of a new development called Clifton Closets to be built on this newfound plot of land. It will be a little on the smaller side but you could not ask for a more central location. Due to the homier dimensions, the contractor is looking for potential dwellers of similar measurements or people who don’t need to stretch or move around that much.
If all goes well, we will be able to commence phase 2: houses with basements. These structures, built with a lower level/shelf, will be called Cozy at Clifton, and because the contractor couldn’t resist he even named the basements with the adorable, apropos name-Clifton Cabinets.